You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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