Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
