Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
