so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
