I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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