Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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