Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
