Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
