my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize