Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
