VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
