Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
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