You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
