I want to make a zoo with you.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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