so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
