God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
