wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
