She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
