Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
