So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
