We're facebook friends in real life
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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