woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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