We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
