I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
