Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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