There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
