Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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