Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
