bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
