No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
