sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
