Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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