you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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