Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
