my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
