went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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