So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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