Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
