Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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