I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
