so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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