Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
