Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
