Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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