walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
