this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
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We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
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I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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