I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
