Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
