Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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