Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
