I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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