I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
