cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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