What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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