I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
