My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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