Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
