Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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