under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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